Дорога в совершенство

"And the hardest part was leting go not taking part"

It is hard to explain... just as the most of feelings we have to go through. Maybe this time there is no need to explain. I only felt this way once and I though it was just the first time it can be that hurting. I also thought that I could explain things, their cause. Aparently the only thing I know is that I can get anything I want if I fight for it but I prefer letting go because after a while I realize that what Im fighting for matters only for me and I don't want anyone to suffer. I think I am ready to take all the pain on me for both. I promissed myself I will. I have nothing to complain about cuz it is the way I chose. I still do believe everything is done for a reason. I probably can't prove that I learned from a mistake but can prevent it from happening again. I felt that I should've quit both of the relationships at the same time and start my life from scratch but there was something that held me. It's been more than a year now sinse I last felt so complete and a year sinse I last been so lost. This moment when you feel like your world collapsed again, and your eyes just run around the room, and your mind is chasing but can't reach. Sinking. You understand what just happened but only or a second and then you ban yrself thinking so because it hurts so much that you don't believe it can be real. I typed up "why" and deleted it... I know why. Because it's just me. Because I thought I got out of my own world so long ago. And I realized that I am still stuck deep down under my own illusions, under tonnes of beliefs that it's going to be like I always dreamed it would be.... A moment ago the curtains felt.... No one ever did anyhting to save it all... they always quit, and I should do the same, instead I have so much belief in it that I could trade the whole world for it. I'd give my life to make it work. Get over? Every day I have to say goodbye, and the next day give my all to put the broken pieces together again... and as the night falls say goodbye knowing that he does care after all but now you fucked it up so much that things can't be fixed even if you give a whole world for it. 

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Oh let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Comin' up tails,
Heads on the science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin',
At numbers and figures,
Pullin' the puzzles apart.

Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh on I rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' our tails,
Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.

By Coldplay - Scientist

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